Patttttt's Musings and Such

Deletions

2007-09-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

My wife, being my wife, has the ability to select items for deletion. This often results in fewer jerseys and other items of clothing that have not been worn in several years, despite my protestations of affinity for said articles of clothing. The ability to select items for deletion has extended to my blog. Regular viewers of the blog may have had the brief opportunity to be enlightened on my opinions re side boob. I side with the pro-side boob camp, in case you were wondering.

Salty

2007-09-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

The only thing worse than posting as Anonymous is posting as Patttttt when you are not Patttttt. I will not tolerate those passing themselves off as the real Big Cat.

Big Cat

2007-09-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

I basically have two nicknames, one of which of course being Patttttt. It's spelled like it sounds, with six t's. It can be abbreviated, if needed, with only three t's, but be careful to insert the period at the end so as to reduce confusion. Much like St. is the abbreviation for Street, Pattt. is the abbreviation for Patttttt.

Anyways, my other, perhaps more common nickname is Big Cat. It's a cool nickname and I'm fortunate to have it. It's also cool en espanol - El Gato Grande. It suits me well, no doubt about it. There are rumors going around that I gave myself the nickname, but I'm here to dispel these nasty whispers of jealosy and set the record straight. People have called me Big Cat for years, and it dates back to grade school, when my peers were consistently amazed with my quick, cat-like reflexes. The nickname was bestowed upon me, in reverence to Andre "Big Cat" Gallaraga.

I really hope I don't drive over a Mexican

2007-09-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

I really hope I don't drive over a Mexican. I've come close on many occasions. I consider myself lucky that I live close enough to my job in downtown that I don't have to travel on the highway. I basically take 6th street west and then cut down to Olympic, where there are three lanes and the lights are timed. Unfortunately, getting down to Olympic is very difficult, as I must navigate what is likely the most densely Mexican-based pedestrian populated sections in the world. There are several crosswalks, which I am always prepared to stop at just in case someone jumps out into the street. However, most of the Mexicans don't like crosswalks, or waiting for safe opportunities to cross the street. Most of the people in this area sprint across the middle of the street, relying on the cars to adjust their speed and course of direction appropriately to avoid collision. I tend to leave work late, and the darkness does not lend itself to easy detection of sprinting Mexicans. Man, I really hope I don't drive over a Mexican.

Just to clarify, and for the sake of being politically correct, I also hope I don't drive over white people, black people, native americans, jews, and Canadiens. Everyone, basically, except for Yankee fans.

Status Re: "Status Re:"

2007-09-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

When questioning updates concerning certain issues, I believe professional etiquette dictates the phrasing of such update with "status re:". It is concise, to the point, and adds a bit of formality to what would otherwise be a disintigratingly casual conversation.

Here is a simple scenario. I come home. Dinner is not ready. I can pose the following questions:

1. What's the latest update concerning the readiness of my dinner?
2. How are things coming along with dinner tonight?
3. When might I anticipate dinner being provided?
4. Status re: dinner.

Clearly, the fourth option is the most succinct, and is less likely to be met with an elongated response full of excuses. When the question is posed with such careful selection of words, it will often be met with a thoughtful, equally succinct response, thus cutting to the chase and giving me my damn answer without a lot of fluffery in between.

There are some that think saying "status re:" aloud is a weird way to communicate. I assure you it is not weird in any way. If it is something you would write, it should be something you can say. Similarly, I condone all sorts of instant messaging acronyms. Insert "LOL" in place of actual laughter, or if someone said something entirely funny, you could skip the arduous task of rolling on the floor by inserting "ROTFLMAO". The person who said the hilarious quip is perfectly satisfied with the uproarious response, while you save yourself from getting dirty and getting your clothes all wrinkled. Don't know something? IDK. Not sure, but think it may be re: your good friend Jill? IDK, my BFF Jill?

The Stache

2007-08-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a disturbing trend in the recent hirings of head coaches in the NFL. Where are their moustaches? Used to be you couldn't get that job without a decent moustache. Now everyone seems to be hiring young dudes sans sweet staches.

When I was unemployed for a bit in Boston, I went without shaving for a little over a week. Then I shaved everything but the stache. It was kind of an abject failure, but I was all the better for trying. I thought I'd be able to keep the stache for a while longer, letting it fill out a bit, but the Zet refused to touch me until I shaved the stache. I'm usually a man of strong will, but I caved pretty quickly.

Legality

2007-08-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

Need some help here.

1. Is it legal to turn left from a one way street unto another one way street?

2. Is it legal for a bum to push the walk signal even though nobody is going to use the crosswalk, for the sole purpose of extracting hard earned funds from suckers who now have to wait longer to turn left unto said one way street?

3. Is it legal for me to wish aforementioned bum meets an accelerated demise, errr, finds a new corner to harass other hard working commuters trying to get home in time to get a decent meal before picking out their shirt/tie combinations before rushing off to bed to get a good night's sleep so they can get back to the office and earn a good living by working hard who happen to not be me?

To clarify, this left hand turn in question has a criminally short green light after 7:30 when the pedestrian walk signal is pushed. It's not that I just hate bums, I really do hate missing a light so a bum can walk next to my really clean sled, probably getting it all dirty and such. Anyways, if some bum does this to you at a light, please think twice before giving him money. It will only encourage this abominable behavior.

Zet, not the "morning" sort

2007-08-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

Zet thinks I'm a morning person. I'm really not. It's just that she is the polar opposite of a morning person, I appear to be a morning person in contrast. I'm really just like any one of you. I appreciate efficiency. I have an efficient morning routine. Wake up, try my best not to hit the snooze (hitting the snooze button is a sign of weakness), shower, shave, get dressed into a fantastic outfit carefully pre-selected from the night previous. On my way out the door, I usually try and wake my sleeping beauty. I am oftentimes met with expletives. Fortunately, I now understand how my baby rolls in the AM. Zet recently explained her morning routine:

Stage 1 – First alarm at 7:45. Acknowledge it is morning.

Stage 2 – Go back to sleep for 10 minutes.

Stage 3 – Awake and give self 5 minutes to 8am warning.

Stage 4 – Get dressed in hurry. Look awesome.

Stage 5 – Take Patttttt’s dry cleaning and laundry across the street because he is a big I-can’t-do-anything-for-myself-because-I-am-spoiled baby.

Stage 6 – Arrive at work a half hour after I’m supposed to (eat any bagels/donuts/chocolate within 50 yards).

Jo-Tel Responds

2007-08-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

For responses to my Hoodie post, see here from Jo-Tel author Pete.

For responses to my Glass is Half Empty post, see here from Jo-Tel author Shark.

While both counter arguments are contrary to mine, and thus wrong, they do make for interesting reading, if you're into that sort of thing. And my guess is you're just that type of fellow.

;)

2007-08-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

If you're a dude and you're going to drop internet smiley faces in an email to me, the answer is no, I will not kiss you.

Celtic Pride

2007-08-09T18:10:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty geeked on Celtics basketball right now. Count me among those who are convinced a healthy Garnett, Pierce, and Allen are favorites in the East, if not favorites to win it all. The big question on everyone's mind is who fills out the rest of the starting roster?

Kevin Garnett plays center, Paul Pierced plays small forward, Ray Allen shooting guard and Rajon Rondo runs the point. Rondo should be much better in his sophomore year. But who plays power forward? I'll tell you who. Me.

Listen. I haven't played on a real basketball team since middle school. I didn't even start for that team, but I can assure you it's only because the coach screwed me. I should play power forward for the Celtics for several reasons, which I shall detail below:

1. I like the Celtics. I used to subscribe to their fan magazine as a kid. I'm really a big fan.

2. I look good in green.

3. Although a bit undersized for the NBA position of power forward (I will be giving up about one foot in height and probably 100 pounds), I have solid fundamentals and know how to box out. Getting rebounds isn't about height - it's about positioning yourself around the rim and generally wanting it more than the next guy. I want it more.

4. With three superstars already, the team can't afford another prima donna. I'll know my role on the team and will defer to my teammates. There will be plenty of opportunities for me to score by tipping in offensive rebounds. I don't need to take contested jump shots or try and drive the lane. I've got three perennial all stars on my team. I'll give them the rock and set killer screens.

5. I hit my free throws. I was pretty solid at this when I was younger, and with a little practice, I'll get back into form. I should be good for 80% from the stripe. Not bad for a power forward.

6. My position in the Celtics starting lineup will even the playing field in the East. We all know the Celtics would sleepwalk into the finals with a solid NBA power forward. This way, the games will be a bit closer, due to the slight mismatch the opposing team will have at my position. I emphasize this mismatch would be slight, because I play fundamental defense and hustle (see #3 above). This will help keep the Big Three sharp, especially as they ramp up for the finals. By the time the playoffs roll around, I would have no problem whatsoever relinquishing my starting spot and becoming the first or second guy off the bench.

Doc Rivers, let me know if you're interested. Just post your cell phone number in the comments section and I'll hit you up.

The Glass is Half Empty

2007-08-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

Seriously. This isn't an esoteric argument. It's just common sense.

When you pour a liquid in a glass for consumption, you pour the liquid towards the top probably 90% of time. Sometimes you may pour just a little bit into a glass like if you have to pop some Advil or something, but that usually doesn't happen and even then, you fill less than half the glass. So we all now agree that the glass starts off full in the base case scenario. Now you start drinking aforementioed liquid. Are you "emptying" the glass, or are you "less filling" it? Once you empty half of the glass, you are left with a glass that is half empty.

For the record, the grass isn't really greener on the other side, although it does look that way. The dry patches and color inconsistencies are more pronounced when you are looking straight down at a magnified cross section of grass. Now look at the other side. You can't perceive any imperfections from afar and all you see is a beautiful blanket of greenosity. Now walk over to the other side. It's the same grass, stupid.

Windshield Wiper Fluid Addendum

2007-07-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

When you're being tailgated, you have a few options.

1. You realize you deserve to be tailgated and immediately put your blinker on and move to the lane to your right.

2. You deserve to be tailgated but you're oblivious to it just like you're oblivious to one of the most common courtesies of driving - keep right unless to pass. Ultimately, if there are several lanes on the road, the right most lane is your best option because nobody thinks they drive slow enough for the right lane, so everyone shifts a lane or two further to the left than the lane in which they should be commuting. That way, I get to zip my sled past a solid amount of cars uninterrupted on the right lane. Every now and then there will be some crappy old truck going very slow that I will have to move around, but it works for me. But still, this is not the way it is supposed to be.

3. You realize you deserve to be tailgated and speed up a little bit, trying to salvage what little manhood may remain.

4. You don't deserve to be tailgated and feel confrontational, so you slow down and fix your stare into your rearview mirror, and try to burn fear into the center of your antagonist's eyes.

5. You blast your windshield wipers so that windshield wiper splooge gets all over the dbag's car behind you.

Bathroom Attendants

2007-07-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

On the spectrum of that which is chill and unchill, bathroom attendants slot towards the end of the latter. This truly is a troubling trend.

1. I just feel really bad for the person who's "tending" the bathroom. It's a pretty depressing job.

2. It's a very unnecessary job. Who the hell walks out of a bathroom thinking "I really wish I didn't have to reach for that paper towel. If only there was someone there to hand it to me."

3. It encourages dudes to spray more crappy cologne on.

4. Maybe I'm cheap, but I hate the prospect of having to tip a dollar for someone to hand me a paper towel that I prefer to reach for myself. It's very awkward. Sometimes I avoid this exchange by not washing my hands (which isn't really that big a deal in the first place. I may blog about this later). Sometimes, I feel so awkward that I'll just try to hold it and avoid the bathroom altogether.

5. It's really creepy to have some guy sitting on a stool right behind you while you're taking care of business. Really creepy.

6. I think club owners think this classes up the joint, but it definitely has the opposite effect with me. I will always avoid clubs/bars/restaurants with bathroom attendants.

Sonic

2007-07-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

Sonic is hands down the greatest fast food restaurant in the world. Sadly, I have never been. Yet their commercials continue to taunt me on a regular basis.

Look at this ridiculous menu!

I literally want to eat about four of everything I see here. The closest Sonic to me is in Anaheim which is really far away. Maybe I'll make a trip down there for my birthday.

I guess it's good I don't live next to a Sonic. I'd probably be at least two and a half bills.

Windshield Wipers

2007-07-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

I like to keep my sleds clean. I wash my primary car every Saturday. It's important to tie your tie correctly, it's important to shine your shoes regularly, it's important to roll around in a clean sled. When you have a clean sled, you only use your windshield wipers when it's raining. Most people however rely on their windshield wipers to clean their windshield. If you washed your car weekly, you wouldn't have this issue. Ostensibly, I'm OK with this lazy short cut, but only on the condition that the cleaning mechanism is instigated when the car is stationary. It really pisses me off when I'm driving behind a moving car that's cleaning it's windshield. That water and windshield wiper fluid gets all over my really clean sled. That stuff leaves water marks. Can't you lazy a-holes wait until you're at a stop light?

Beanies

2007-07-19T18:36:00.001-07:00

It should be noted that the beanies fall into the same category as hoodies. I understand they are pretty necessary in the cold, but I believe people on the East Coast get around this by calling them winter caps. I think. I could be wrong on this. Man, it was really cold when I lived in Boston. So cold I had to wear man scarves.

Hoodies

2007-07-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Hoodies? I'm only going to scratch the surface here. Let's not even get into how lame a sweatshirt is with a zipper and a hood when you are past the age of nine. How can you be comfortable calling yourself a man if you are comfortable saying the word "hoodie"? Hoodie. Say it aloud. Tough, isn't it? If you can't say it out loud, don't wear it. If you can, uhh, still don't wear it.

Thanks for showing up NL

2007-07-10T22:14:00.000-07:00

So the American League hasn't lost to the National League in the All-Star game in 11 years. As an American League aficionado, that's pretty sweet. The AL is just a better brand of baseball. We have the best pitchers and the best hitters. What more do you want from me? The NL is great and all, if you like lots of pitching changes, lots of sacrifice bunts, lots of pitchers striking out on three pitches, and lots of not scoring. Oh yeah, and add lots of not having home field advantage of the World Series to that list.

I don't like it when people take offense to the All Star game deciding home field advantage. Sure, it's an exhibition game, but is the outcome of an exhibition game any worse a way to decide than an alternating year? Are there really people out there who go, "You know what is really important to be held constant in my life? The alternating league home field advantage rule that MLB used to employ."

Re: Martinis

2007-07-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

A few thoughts on martinis, as I enjoy a near perfect one.

1. If you are a stupid waitress, please don't ask me if I want my martini "up". This pisses me off to no end. You obviously are trying to drop martini-speak on me that you just picked up. It's utterly unimpressive and equally asinine. If I want my martini down, I'd axe for it on the rocks.

2. Don't ask me if I want it dirty, wet, or if I want it dry. Assume if I order a martini, I want it poured as martinis are meant to be poured. Again, if I have special requests re: my martini, I shall make them at the time of order.

3. That being said, you're lame if you order a martini dry, and even lamer if you order it extra dry. A martini was not meant to be pretentious. Don't be the jerk that makes it such. My guess is you can't tell the difference between wet or dry anyways. You just seem really gay. Plus, a little Vermouth is undeniably delicious and absolutely imperative to a good martini. I will accept the request for a wet martini, it should be noted. The proper proportion is 7/8 gin, 1/8 Vermouth, unless, of course, you prefer up to 1/5 Vermouth. But no more, you jerk.

4. I'll kill you if you ask me what kind of garnish I prefer in my martini.

5. You should never request a different garnish than an olive, under a few notable exceptions:

a. Hendrix gin, the best of all gins, is absolutely delicious with a cucumber garnish. As it has hints of both cucumber and rose petals, I would also accept the rose petal garnish, if such a garnish were known to be provided at such establishment. Ordering a rose petal garnish at a place not known to provide such garnish is not recommended for obvious reasons.

b. If the drink menu specifies a different garnish. I support special bar drink menus, even though they mostly suck.

c. Peperocini. When I open my bar, this will be one of my signature drinks. Please don't steal it.

d. Spree. Please see (c) above.

e. Bacon. See (c) above, and the Bacon Postulate.

6. For the love of all mankind, please do not specify the quantity of olives you want in your martini. Look, we all noticed you when you called your obscure, or worse, mid to lower shelf gin. Don't compound your status as largest toolshed in the bar by actually specifying the number of olives in your drink. This is probably the most egregious of martini ordering offenses. The moment you specify the number of olives is the moment I stop respecting you as a person.

7. Bartenders: Why in Christ's name would you stick a wood toothpick through your olive(s)? Don't you know the taste of wood permeates my gin? If I catch this fatal error soon enough, I might be able to dislodge the splinters from my drink, but never the taste of sawdust. I will accept a plastic toothpick, but prefer sans pick. Unless, of course, you have a plastic toothpick that looks like a pirate sword. Those are totally cool.

8. My martini better damn well be COLD. All you need to do is put plenty of ice in the shaker and shake until your hand is pained by said cold. Don't cut corners by putting too few, or not cold enough ice in your shaker or by not shaking it enough.

9. Shaken not stirred. James Bond is cool. He's allowed one mistake (even if he makes it every damn movie). You are not allowed one mistake. Don't let me hear this mistake uttered from your mouth.

10. Martinis are like boobs. One is too few, three is too many.

11. Don't give me a tiny feminine martini glass. A martini glass should be masculine, and should fit a proverbial grip of boozola. If you think you're saving money by cutting corners and giving me a half sized martini glass, I will at the very least hate you and boycott your stupid bar and/or place of residence.

12. Martinis were invented for gin. If you like Vodka, great. Drink your vodka on the rocks or as I prefer, possibly flavored with club soda. Never order a vodka martini. My bar won't serve them. Similarly, never order a "gin martini". Call your damn gin and say martini after that. This is how I roll: "Hendrix martini". No Hendrix? That's OK "Saphire martini".

I hope I've made myself perfectly clear on this issue. I take my martinis seriously and you should too. If you're not ready to venture into martini territory, that's good and well. There's plenty of other drinks out there for you. When you're ready, we'll talk.

Slang

2007-06-26T22:16:00.001-07:00

I love slang words for marijuana. For some reason, every single one of them is hilarious.

That being said, the hierarchy of hilarious slang words is as follows:

1. Hippie Lettuce
2. Doobie(s)

and a distant third:

3. Grass

Just an observation. That's all.

Addiction

2007-06-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

So I pitched one inning last Sunday. I hit one guy on accident on a 1-2 curveball (he leaned in), and then I hit another guy in the ankle on purpose just because he crowded the plate a little too much. It really wasn't nearly as good a reason for the pegged batters last week. I think I'm becoming addicted to dotting batters.

Oh well.

Ibuprofen = Hoax

2007-06-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

How is it you can take ibuprofen for anything that ails you? Is this for real? Say I have a headache. I'm supposed to take ibuprofen. Say my arm is sore from dominating on the pitcher's mound. Again, take ibuprofen. Say I want to prevent heart disease. Ibuprofen? I don't get it. How does this drug know whether I need it to go to my dome, my arm, or my ankle? Ibuprofen is fool's gold. You suckers keep popping your Advils, Tylenols, and Bayers. I know it's a placebo. Joke's on you.

Class Action

2007-06-22T21:53:00.001-07:00

Can one of you lawyers pick my "double dipping" text message class action lawsuit up and run with it? How much money should I expect to make off this? Can I quit my job now, or should I just chill for a little bit?

Texting Hot Babes

2007-06-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen that commercial where there's three skanks at the pool all pushing their boobs and their cell phones together laughing over the awesome text they just got from some random dude? Then the same skanks are lounging around a bedroom in their lingerie punching really sultry messages into their cell phones to fire right back to random dudes? So seriously. What? Come on. Who's doing this? Look, I'll buy that some dudes are pathetic enough to pay several bucks a minute to talk to some girl with a sultry voice on the phone. I mean, that's fairly interactive. But texting hot babes????? Please tell me there aren't dudes that pay for this service? Is it not bad enough that cell phone companies have duped us all into paying 10 cents for every stupid, misspelled three word sentence that doesn't say anything in the first place? Am I getting off topic if I rant at how ridiculous it is that I get billed 10 cents every time someone sends me some stupid text message? Is there some way to abstain from the atrocity that is this racket? Damnit I'm angry right now. How is it OK to charge for this? OK, charge the jerk that sends the stupid text message that doesn't say anything because dude is too lazy to dial a phone number and have human interaction. Penalize him. Don't double dip and charge innocent me for just receiving the stupid text message. I didn't agree to this. Why should I pay for something I never asked for, and don't want in the first place? Crap, this must be illegal. Is Elliot Spritzer, or whatever his name on this? This is absolute crap. Is this not the greatest class action lawsuit to ever occur in the history of mankind?

I guess if you're dumb enough to "text hot babes", you deserve the charges inherent. Just don't text me.

Neb, you owe me several dollars for text messages I never wanted in the first place. Same with you HLYWD DK. Damnit I'm angry. Stupid text messages.

Come On.

2007-06-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

Why is it that every carpet/rug store I've ever driven by in my life has a big sign in the window saying "Going Out of Business Sale!" Doesn't this schtick get old when people realize the same sign sits in the same store for several years running? Along similar lines, has anyone ever bought a mattress that hasn't been on sale?

T-Rex Kicked Inordinant Amounts of Dinosaur Ass

2007-06-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

Listen. T-Rex was without a doubt the coolest thing that has ever been on this planet. This is not my opinion and this is not for debate. It is a truth both pure and absolute. There is no denying this there is no contemplating its righteousness. The T-Rex was as tall as a six story building, weighed as much as 50 large boulders, and was known to eat several triceratops or stegosauruses in one sitting. The T-Rex kicked inordiinant amounts of dinosaur ass. Have you ever seen a T-Rex skeleton? Have you ever seen Jurassic Park? There was no dinosaur half as cool and there probably never will be.

So here's the rub. There are "scientists" out there with nothing better to do than to throw some asinine lie on the table and write a sensational article that gets posted somewhere because some people think it's cool to be contrary. Some jackasses actually would have you believe that the T-Rex didn't run upwards of 85 mph and instead took casual strolls in search of a scavenger meal. Look, I understand their angle. It's so profound! I have to confess I used this stupid trick in English class in college by coming up with some ridiculous claim and working backwards to defend it. I wrote a paper defending Dracula as the only truly "good and benevolent" character in the book. At least my dribble wasn't published. I wonder what credentials these jerks have. Maybe I can publish an article about how Pterodon couldn't really fly and Brachiosauruses loved swimming.

I feel bad for the impressionable children out there who might begin idolizing a different dinosaur. That's just messed up. I guess I feel worse for people like crazy Carl Everett who don't even believe in dinosaurs.

Baseball Scrum

2007-06-18T16:34:00.001-07:00

I think I recently experienced what can only be described as one of the most satisfying feelings in the world: pegging a batter on purpose with a baseball. It is truly exhilerating.

I tend to have really good control, as evidenced by my 4 to 1 strikeout to walk ratio. On the rare occasion that I do hit a batter with a pitch, it's usually when I'm ahead in the count and a curveball slips out of my hand. That just sucks for a plethora of reasons, most important of which are that you let the batter reach first base where he didn't deserve such reward and the fact that if you're going to hit someone, it should be with a fastball and should at the very least leave a bruise. Every now and then, however, I get the rare opportunity to intentionally throw at someone. A lot of the time I get so excited at this prospect that I end up throwing nowhere near the batter, and tend to throw it right over the plate. Yesterday, however, my control to the batter's rib cage was under much better control. I pegged four batters yesterday - two unintentionally and two intentionally. One on a curveball that the batter leaned into, one that grazed a batter's shirt, one with a fastball to hip flexor after a runner stole third up by nine runs, and one with a fastball to the lower ribs to a player who deserved it so bad he might as well have begged to be thrown at. This last batter was the most exciting, as the pitch before he got plunked went behind his head, so there was little doubt what my intent was.

Anyways, the game got cancelled after a few members of the opposing team, including some people in the stand began threatening me a little too intently. I guess that's just how I roll.

Chez

2007-06-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

Please don't ever ask a man if he wants cheese on whatever it is you're cooking up. Whatever "it" is, the answer is yes.

I'm no sell out

2007-06-11T11:39:00.001-07:00

I saw this option on blogger where you can have ads posted on your blog and you'd get paid based on how many web hits came from your blog. I just want everyone to really appreciate that I'm leaving tons of money on the table to bring this blog to your computer screen ad-free. I'm not for sale.

Dorkblog

2007-06-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

My favorite thing about this blog is being able to talk about it. I really like telling people that I have a blog. It also provides good running commentary so that whenever somebody says something interesting, I can say "yeah, I'll probably blog about that." That sentence alone provides a great transition from ending the previous thought and starting a whole new conversation just about my blog. Talking about my blog is also a great conversation starter. It's also a good conversation filler.

Woof = Anonymous

2007-06-11T08:46:00.001-07:00

I can now sleep at night after identifying Anonymous.

Magazine inserts. Not nearly as awesome as you would think.

2007-06-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

I'm probably the first person ever to blog about this, so I'm pretty stoked about this take.

What's up with magazine subscription inserts? I mean, they suck, right?

I subscribed to Details magazine, which Zet says is for men who are not of straight orientation to which I staunchly disagree despite the colorful spread discussing this season's must-have tote bags. I shook the magazine and found 8 subscription inserts that fell out. Uhh, overkill perhaps?

For the record, I have no problem with the wasted paper. I'm OK with cutting down the rain forest if it results in a slightly softer tissue paper. I just don't like having to walk across the room and double back to pick up the crap that falls out of a magazine. That's why I usually don't.

Jordache Basics

2007-06-01T18:29:00.001-07:00

Jordache doesn't email too often, but when he does, he comes strong.

I told Jordan he could take over my blog when I finally quit, and this was his response:

"I was thinking about starting a blog, but I'm afraid if it becomes more
popular than Patttttt's, it would affect our friendship. I mean, who
wants
to read the blog of a married man.......
Woke up today at 6am. Betsy woke me up 4 times in the middle of the
night
because I was sleeping in the wrong position and we had to switch
spots. Had
egg beaters, the equivalent of eggs for you non-married folks, as well
as a
glass of grapefruit juice. Read the NY Times because the LA Times is
much
less internationally acclaimed. Hopped in my new "sled" and drove to
work
listening to NPR. Pulled up and told Juan to change my oil today and
detail
my new "sled." I'm pretty sure he didn't understand my idiosyncratic
speech
pattern because when I picked my "sled" up at 5pm it wreaked of buche.
Did
some comercial real estate business. Met up with Jason for our 4 drink
minimum happy hour before heading to Trader Joes for some fair trade,
low
carb brown rice and skinless chicken breast. Snuck in a couple bottles
of
wine and some tequila with ginger ale (shhhhhhh, don't tell the Zet),
since
Jordan puked my remaining booze up in our garbage disposal. Was
harassed and
harangued by Hollywood DK for no less than 2 hours on no more than 2
subjects. Came home and watched Golden Girls and went to bed.

I mean really, who wants to read that bullshit in a blog."

As much as I want to turn this right around in Basics' face, I can only concede defeat.

The worst part of going to the dentist

2007-06-01T18:26:00.000-07:00

You think it's the drilling, right? No. It's while the drilling is going on, and your mouth is numb and has been propped open for a half hour and drool starts trickling down your chin. You can't really wipe it up, trying to salvage any dignity because the drill and two sets of hands are blocking your path. Yep, drooling uncontrollably like a tard is the worst part of going to the dentist.

No offense to tards.

I hate A-Rod. You should too.

2007-05-31T08:20:00.000-07:00

Baseball has been played for a long, long time. Certain unwritten rules have been obeyed and respected over the course of the last century. All players abide by these rules with very few exceptions. The good thing about baseball is there's a pretty good way to police these rules. You break an unwritten rule, the pitcher throws at your ear hole next time you step to the plate. This doesn't happen that often, because most baseball players have some shred of class.

Remember when ARod tried to slap the ball out of Bronson "I'm a long relief pitcher in the AL but a Cy Young favorite in the NL" Arroyo's glove? That was bad, but it was even worse when he said it was a smart play afterwards. That's bush. There should have been a honing target in his eye socket for the rest of the series, but fortunately for him, too much was at stake during this particular playoff series. This particular playoff series was of course the one where the Red Sox, down 0 games to 3 in a best of seven series came back to win the last 4. But that's not my point. Hating ARod is my point.

ARod has outdone the purse slapping bit. No, I'm not talking about bouncing around the clubs the other night with some blonde bimbo and taking her up to his hotel room in front of several photographers (couldn't they have taken separate elevators at least? Do you think his wife has figured out what one half of a ten-year, $250 million dollar contract is?). I'm talking about last night's performance in the ninth inning against the Blue Jays with the Yankees clinging to a one run lead and desperately trying to avoid a sweep to fall 15 games behind the Red Sox. That's right, 15. I use the numeral version of this number as opposed to spelling it out since it is greater than ten (I learned that in English class at some point). So ARod is at third base and the batter hits a weak pop up to the third baseman. ARod yells something along the lines of "My ball", and the third baseman backs off, thinking the shortstop was calling him off. Ball drops, Yankees rally for four runs, win the game in the cheapest, weakest way possible.

Said Yankee Johnny Damon "I wasn't sure that was allowed. If it is, maybe we'll keep doing it."

Yep, that's Yankee baseball. Yankee Pride.

Fortunately for ARod, that was the last game of the series, and the Yankees probably have several weeks before playing the Blue Jays again. I'm guessing the Blue Jays pitchers don't forget this move and several baseballs slip out of their hands, and straight into his lipstick applied, puckered little lips. I've seen this move in little league, and it inspires furious rage from my inner soul. When I'm coaching my son's little league team several years from now, if I hear some kid in the dugout or on the basepaths yell "Mine!", I am going to go into the stands, find that kid's father, and punch him in the stomach.

ARod, you deserve what's coming to you.

D-Fence

2007-05-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not the sort of guy to hold a sign up during a game, but if I was forced at gunpoint to hold a sign at a sporting event, it's a tossup between a "John 3:16" with the name of a local fan favorite inserted in place of "John", or the fence sign, assuming your buddy to the right is holding up the "D". I don't know. The more I think about it, I'm not sure people would understand that I was being ironic if I coordinated a signage plan with a buddy. I guess it would probably be "Ortiz 3:16".

More on signs at sporting events later. Assuming my blog still exists in June.

Raisins

2007-05-25T20:22:00.001-07:00

I dislike raisins more than I dislike nuts. Just for the record.

Nuts

2007-05-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

Look, it's not that there's anything inherently wrong with nuts. It's just that they shouldn't be mixed with anything else. Including other nuts. Listen, go ahead and set out a bowl of nuts. If I'm feeling it, I might partake. But at least there's an inherent disclosure to a bowl of nuts. There's really no surprise when you dip your hand into a bowl of nuts and find nuts in your hand. That's cool. It's when nuts are hidden in desertstuffs that I really get pissed off. It's one thing to ruin a perfectly good fudge brownie, but it's a whole other issue when the existence of nuts aren't fully disclosed. I mean, sometimes you can tell there are nuts in the brownie if you pay close attention, but if somebody hands you a tray and asks you if you want a brownie, I just grab one and pop a brownie like a tic tac. You've got to disclose if the brownies are tainted or not. That's all I'm saying. If you have crappy brownies, you should offer people your crappy brownies by saying "would you like a brownie with nuts?" That way, the person is well informed when they tell you to go blank yourself.

Charlie O'Brien

2007-05-20T21:46:00.000-07:00

One of the first times I got kicked out of the Oakland Coliseum was when I tried to get Charlie O'Brien's autograph. At this stage in Charlie's career, he was probably the third catcher carried on the Cleveland Indians, so he was on bullpen catcher duty. Probably the crappiest of all major league positions. He was on the visiting team, and didn't have his name on the back of his jersey. I'm not sure how I knew it was him, because honestly, I didn't even know that I knew who he was. Somewhere, however, in my subconscious, I had reserved valuable memory for Charlie O'Brien face recognition. It makes sense, of course, given his long flowing curly golden locks.

Anyways, the security guys didn't like that I was going down to the field, where my bleacher tickets didn't allow. They were definitely hella salty, but good ol' Chuck seemed genuinely excited that I was genuinely excited to have identified him. Chuck was stoked. He made the universal "get me a pen so I can sign something for you" motion. I knew the security guard's patience was wearing thin, but it's not exactly every day that Charlie O'Brien wants to spend quality time with you. So security guard be damned I walked straight down towards the bottom of the stands to chat with Charlie and find out where we were going to hang after the game. The security guard called backup and they grabbed me and escorted me out of the stadium. I'm sure Charlie would have intervened, but he was on the visiting team, so he probably didn't want to start some big thing. It's cool though. I understand. I probably would have acted the same if I were in his position.

Charlie, if you're googling your name and for some reason this page comes up, holler.

Bacon Postulate

2007-05-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

I have this theory. Let me clarify this. It started off as a theory, but then it was quickly clear that it was a postulate, which means it's basically a self evident truth.

Bacon makes everything taste better. Think about that for a second. It's completely true, is it not? What did you eat last? Was it good? How much better would it have been had it been wrapped in bacon? There it is. The Bacon Postulate.

Despite postulates not necessarily requiring proofs, I tested the theory trying to find potential flaws, of which there were none. In the interest of full disclosure, I did come across a food group whereby bacon did not detract from the goodness of the food, but it did not necessarily embellish the taste. Desertstuffs. I put bacon bits on my ice cream. Personally, I thought it gave the vanilla ice cream some much needed bacon kick, but from an impartial vantage, I could see how some non-bacon enthusiasts might find bacon on desertstuffs somewhat distracting. I have hence ruled that bacon's effect on desertstuffs is negligibly good.

Zippers

2007-05-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

What the hell is wrong with zippers? Why do most trendy jeans have button flys? Button flys suck. Sure, it's pretty fun to unbutton them. You just pull the sides apart and enjoy that snappy feeling of buttons being released. Sure, it's even better to unbutton a button fly then it is to unzip a zipper. But what about reseting your fly to it's secure position? Resecuring a zipper fly is as simple as the initial unzipping action. Just reverse the previous motion. The button fly? Fat chance. I consider myself to be a fairly dexterous dude, as far as dudes go, but I think it takes me about three and a half minutes on average to button a button fly back up. If possible, of course, you want to unbutton only as many buttons as is necessary to loosen the pants over your ass. That way you can minimize the re-buttoning. But seriously, who wants to be so conscientious every time he or she uses the bathroom or disrobes? And supposing you get careless with your unbuttoning and undo every last button? How do you fasten the bottom button when you have so little room to work with?

I'm sure "Anonymous" will regale me with tales about how buttoning technology is so great, but you can go ahead and shove it Anonymous. Button flys suck.

Team Names

2007-05-11T16:51:00.000-07:00

My baseball team is the Stepdads. I think that's a pretty good name. You hate us cuz we beat you, would be the moniker.

However, if I had my druthers, and I think I someday will, I would name the team Tiny Dancers. How annoying would it be for the other team to walk dejectedly through the door after suffering defeat in our hands, only to have this exchange with their girlfriend:

"How did the game go honey?"
"Crappy."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Who did you lose to?"
"Umm. The Tiny Dancers."
"Turn around and leave."

8 Tracks

2007-05-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

There was some classroom in my high school that had an 8-Track machine. 8-Tracks were pretty cool. I think I get the progression of music technology, with one minor exception. Phonograph to record player. Check. Record player to 8-Track. Check. 8-Track to cassette tape. EH? Cassette tape to CD. Check. CD to MP3. Check.

8-Track are way better than cassette tapes. You can skip to whatever song you want. Cassette tapes require rewinding/fastforwarding/hitting play/rewinding more/taking tape out to look at the progression of songs/hitting play again to try and identify name of song/taking tape out again just to be sure what the progression of songs were/fastforwarding/hitting play/finding the song, but realizing you fastforwarded too much/having to rewind again/hitting play and resigning yourself to the fact you have to just sack up and listen to the last minute of the song previous to the song you want to hear. How did this every happen? Of course I grew up on cassette tapes so I just figured that's all there was, other than records. Had I known I could have had much more awesome 8-Track technology, I would have demanded 8-Tracks in lieu of cassette tapes.

Subtitles

2007-05-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

Isn't it awesome when you put in a dvd, hit play, and the english subtitles start rolling in? I think it's probably a safe assumption that if you buy a dvd, you must be deaf and need subtitles.

On a related DVD note, remember when the first DVDs were like laser discs and you had to flip it over halfway through the movie. Good thing for DVDs they figured that thing out.

Very Good Movie

2007-05-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

The movie was quite good. Nick Cage was awesome. What I was not prepared for was Lelee Sobieski. That alone was gravy, but there's more. If you haven't seen the movie, you're not going to believe me. But I'm serious here.

Leelee Sobieski and Nick Cage fight in the movie. Jaw dropping cinema here. Leelee gets her ass kicked big time. I'll stop because my words don't do this justice. Just let that sink in.

Now go rent the film, or you can borrow it from me because I'm a proud owner.

On a similar note, why do people get all salty when Hollywood does remakes? Everyone is always like, "oh, the original was better." Well, I'm guessing that's just not true most of the time. Don't you realize that the original was probably a low budget, really old, dated movie with actors I've never heard of?

Palpable

2007-05-06T16:57:00.000-07:00

I'm really excited right now. Straight up geeked. I really like scary movies. I really like Nick Cage. I'm about to take in what will surely be one of my top ten favorite movies of all time. Wicker Man. I think I'll watch it now and when I'm done post about how great it was.

I'm so stoked. This is going to be awesome.

Sideburns

2007-05-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

Why do hair cutter people ask you if you want to trim your sideburns? It seems like a dumb question, because sideburns can be trimmed very easily with a razor, when you're shaving. If I wanted my sideburns trimmed, I would do it my damn self.

Blog on Life Support

2007-05-06T16:42:00.000-07:00

So I was away for a little bit. Getting married, honeymooning, that sort of thing. I'm still not sure when I'm going to pull the plug on this thing. It was a really bad sign when I referenced a previous post with my wife, who retorted "I don't read your blog." Talk about bomb shells. My wife doesn't read this blog. She says she doesn't know the url. Worse, she after telling me she doesn't read the blog and she doesn't know the url, she never asked to be reminded of the website address.

Yikes.

Snake

2007-04-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

To know me is to know that I am one of ten people in the world that has beaten Snake. I did it on a really small Nokia and found a website that chronicled those that achieved the feat. The number of people who beat Snake may actually be less than ten, because my buddy Hot Tub photoshopped a perfect score and had it posted on the site. I quickly informed the webmaster that the integrity of the site had been compromised. I can't find the site anymore, unfortunately.

I was also really really good at Sticky Bear Basket Bounce. And Mario Kart for the Super NES. It's hard to say just how good I was at these games. I'm reluctant to say that I was the best at each, but for all I know there might have been some kid in Japan who was even better. I'd doubt it though.

What was the name of that show?

2007-04-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

Where one of the kid's names was "Boner." I think that's absolutely hilarious that a main character in a tv show was named Boner.

Man Bands

2007-04-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

I used to look like Lance Bass. For a long time, I definitely embraced the semblance. N'Sync, while exponentially lame, was pretty popular with the ladies. And why not, really? They danced well, sang like little cherubs, wore sparkly outfits, and frosted their lettuce. N'Sync was definitely the best of the Man Bands - far better than the Backstreet Men, 98 Degrees, O-Town, and whatever else was out there. Point is, I looked like a guy that while I may not have respected at the time, women did. So that wasn't a bad thing.

Then things got even better. Lance was going to go into space. He was in the news, he was going to fork over about 20 Mil to ride around in space and he was going to have his own reality show surrounding the nebulous adventure. I was pumped. I was feeling Lance. I realized that Lance and I actually had a lot in common. We liked dancing, we liked making our hair look pretty, we liked dressing up in sparkly shirts, we liked the prospect of exploring space. I also thought we both liked to score chicks.

Then the institute of Lance came crashing down all around me. He never had the squiduch to zip around space and what begonst. Lance had let us all down, and by association, I felt as though I had let the same people down.

Anyways, we know how the story unfolds. Lance likes dudes, apparently.

Thankfully, I don't look like him anymore.

Strips

2007-03-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

Is there a greater misnomer than strip clubs calling themselves "gentlemen's club"? I doubt there are many "gentlemen" patronizing such clubs.

Would you rather...

2007-03-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

be Punk'd or Served?

Here's the way I see it. If you get Punk'd, it's a very malicious act where you are fully victimized. To make it worse, there oftentimes is a stupid dork running out of a van in a trucker hat talking in ebonics, or something. Insult to injury.

On the other hand, if you get served, you've been beaten. There's no doubt about it. Oftentimes, you are beaten badly. But that's OK in my book. You competed. You took a shot. You gave it your best. That's more than the other people sitting on the sideline can say. If someone dances really well in front of me, well sure I got served. If someone watching reminds me that I got served, I'd simply say, "Yeah, duh. I got served. It happens. But at least I gave it all I had to give." There's no shame in that. It only makes you work harder at your own dance moves. Next time around, maybe you end up doing the serving.

Paul Walker is hot.

2007-03-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

No iffs, ands, or butt(pun intended)s about it. He is a certifiable dream boat. Some people think he only gets good roles because he's hot. Well, that's just not true. He's a hell of an actor to boot. Have you seen how good he is in Joy Ride?

One of the biggest gaps in logic in cinema history is how Paul Walker is trying to get with Leelee Sobieski. Like anyone that hot in real life would hook up with someone not hot, like Leelee Sobieski. Plus, in the movie, Paul Walker really wants to get with her big time and he's rejected. Like Paul Walker has ever been rejected.

Come to think of it, if they ever did redo Face Off, Paul Walker should play Nick Cage, Steve Zahn should play John Travolta, and Leelee Sobieski can play Glenn Close (who was all matronly and intentionally not hot anyways, it's a perfect role).

Wait, is Glenn Close in Face Off or am I thinking of Joan Allen. They're different people, right? I have trouble confusing those two, as do I have trouble confusing Michael Clarke Duncan, Ving Rhames, and Mo Vaughn.

I'm getting off topic. This blog needs more structure and discipline.

Good old days

2007-03-20T11:24:00.000-07:00

Remember back in the good old days when you could call someone's cell phone and after four rings, the recorded voice of the person you were trying to reach would leave brief instructions and then there would be a beep and then you would talk and then you would hang up?

Now that same cell phone rings four times, the recorded voice of the person you were trying to reach would leave brief instructions and then some really annoying cell phone bitch gets on the line and starts talking really slowly and deliberately about all the great options the caller has. The caller can press five to page the recipient, the caller can press nine for other options, or in the event that you have never left a voice message for anyone before, ever, in your life, or perhaps you just forgot the protocol of leaving a message and needed a quick referesher, well, then you're in luck. The same voice instructs you that in order to leave a message, you must first wait for the tone, and then you speak. Wait, that's not all. When you're finished talking you can either hang up (shocking) or press some other stupid number for a much longer list of even more stupid options.

This inane instruction directive adds about sixty seconds to the process of leaving a message. I'd like you to go back and think about how many voice messages you've ever left for someone's cell phones. Now multiply that by one. Now divide that by 247. That's how many times you theoretically could have watched Jurassic Park in lieu of receiving instructions on how to leave a voice mail.

Leelee Sobieski is not hot

2007-03-19T21:22:00.000-07:00

Listen. I'm sick and damn tired of popular media trying to tell me that Leelee Sobieski is hot. She's just not, so stop shoving this down my throat. Renee Russo is not hot either. I don't want to see her breasts anymore. Fergie isn't hot either, and I'd wish magazines would stop trying to prove otherwise. Oh, and you know who definitely is not hot? Jessica Simpson. Nope, not at all.

The point is, stop putting Leelee in all these sultry, sexy roles. She's not hot. These roles should be reserved for hot chicks. Not Leelee Sobieski.

Knots

2007-03-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

The worst part of untying your shoes is when you're not sure if you tied them properly in the first place, but you're in a rush so you're willing to chance pulling one of the strings quickly and hoping for a well-choreographed unraveling. It really pisses me off when one quick tug causes the knot to constrict to the point where I need to get a fork to undue the knot. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who has this problem. Like I don't know how to tie my shoes properly or what not.

"Too much salsa"

2007-03-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

So I was golfing this morning and some guy in front of me hit a shot past the green. He then explained to his buddies as he was dropping a new ball and a different club that the last shot had "too much salsa on it." I'm not sure if he meant to say "too much mustard," because I've heard that phrase before. Regardless, I'm going to start saying things have "too much salsa."

Salty J

2007-03-17T21:20:00.000-07:00

Salty J thinks my blog is gay. That's pretty salty, I think. I forget what his reasoning is per say, but I think he thinks it's too contrived, or something like that. Yet he reads this other dude's blog, and says its the best blog ever. So it sounds pretty conflicing if you ask me. Salty J is a jerk.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2007-03-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

I love St. Patrick's Day. Absolutely love it. Probably my favorite day of the year. What other holiday dictates that you should wear a specific color? What other holiday celebrates the heritage of another country? What other holiday are you expected to be drunk for? Not MLK day, not Labor Day, not Christmas. St. Patrick's Day.

Here are my top five St. Paddy's Day Albums:

1. Patttttt's Irish Melodies Volume 1
2. Patttttt's Irish Melodies Volume 4
3. Patttttt's Irish Melodies Volume 3
4. Patttttt's Irish Melodies Volume 2
5. Best of the Chieftains

Donkey Kong

2007-03-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite games in college was when someone would carry the empty keg to the top of the stairs and yell "Donkey Kong!" Then we'd take turns being Mario and trying to jump over an empty keg as it was careening down the stairs at about 100 mph.

I recall being pretty good at this game. It would make sense, as I have cat-like reflexes. I guess that's why everyone started calling me Big Cat back when I was in fourth grade.

Spree

2007-03-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

OK, this is something that is really important to me. There are three gripes I have in relation to those who don't respect the awesomeness of Spree.

1. Why is it so god damned hard to find Spree? Spree, as you are all aware, is the best candy ever. While all candy in roll form is delicious, Spree is the dominant species in this phylum. So Spree is made by Wonka, which seems to be one of the bigger, if not biggest distributer of candystuffs. If that's the case, why wouldn't they distribute it to all stores? Why don't all 7-11's carry Spree? Wouldn't you be so inclined as to distribute your best selling product to the widest audience possible?

2. Chewy Spree is not Spree. Chewy Spree sucks, whereas Spree is beyond awesome. And who the hell decided that Spree needed a worse version of the original? It's like if someone decided to remake Face/Off and instead of Nick Cage and John Travolta, they cast Ashton Kutchner and Paul Giamatti in the lead roles. Nothing infuriates me more than a store that carrys Chewy Spree and not Spree.

3. There is an etiquette to eating Spree. Here is a gap in logic. I love Betsy. I love Spree. Betsy + Spree doesn't equal more love however, but constant anguish. Betsy does not respect the power of Spree, nor the etiquette of consumption. For starters, you never unwrap more than one spree at a time. That's part of the beauty of candy in roll form. Unlike Starbursts, the Spree come in random order and that's just exhilerating. Secondly, that leads to selective and premature extinction of favored colors such as Red, Green, and sometimes Purple.

The only exception to this rule is that your first Spree should not be a red or green, even if that is the first Spree out of the wrapper. Your pallette simply is not ready for the delicious tangy goodness that is Spree. You need to work up to the ecstacy of a Green or Red. Trust me, take your time and enjoy the Spree. Understand the progression of flavors before the ultimate climax of a Purple, Red, Green combo. You can't appreciate the inherent greatness of such successive flavors until you have set a "control" flavor on your tongue. I recommend the first Spree being Yellow or Orange, but I will also accept Purple. Should you be lucky enough to pull a Red or Green on your initial tear, put these aside and save them for as long as you can. I like to pull out these "reserves" when I go on a dry spell of successive Yellows and Oranges.

I like Spree.

Math

2007-03-16T11:01:00.000-07:00

I just realized my first two posts were basically about math. I'm not really into math, you must understand. I'm into dinosaurs. And chicks. Yeaaah. Chicks.

The 18-oz Pub Glass

2007-03-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

I think bars should steer away from the 16-oz pub glass. When drinking beer, we typically measure consumption in 12-oz units. I'm a proponent of larger sized portions, so instead of moving downwards towards a 12-oz glass for easier unit tabulation, I would propose moving up towards a standardized 18-oz glass. Not only is it larger than the 16-oz glass, and thus, inherently better, it also aides tracking 12-oz units in halves and wholes, as opposed to dealing with salty thirds.

If you've had four 18 ozers and someone asks you how many beers you've had, you would quickly retort, "why six beers of course". If you've had four 16 ozers and someone asks you how many beers you've had, you'd likely stumble and say "umm, about 'pi' beers I think. Depends on the radius."

March Madness

2007-03-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it behoove the statistically inclined to fill out the March Madness brackets based solely by picking favorites only? If Florida is the odds-on-favorite in Vegas to win the tournament, why would you pick them to be upset in the Sweet Sixteen? If Stanford is a 7.5 point dog against Louisville, why pick an upset, thereby decreasing your expected value? The gambling world has corrections for favorites versus underdogs, when picking without a point spread. Simplistically speaking, if you want to bet on an underdog to win, you would win more than your original bet if the underdog wins. In tourney pools, your picking straight winners, so why not follow the favorites?

I've got Oregon and Memphis in the finals.