The Stache

I've noticed a disturbing trend in the recent hirings of head coaches in the NFL. Where are their moustaches? Used to be you couldn't get that job without a decent moustache. Now everyone seems to be hiring young dudes sans sweet staches.

When I was unemployed for a bit in Boston, I went without shaving for a little over a week. Then I shaved everything but the stache. It was kind of an abject failure, but I was all the better for trying. I thought I'd be able to keep the stache for a while longer, letting it fill out a bit, but the Zet refused to touch me until I shaved the stache. I'm usually a man of strong will, but I caved pretty quickly.

Legality

Need some help here.

1. Is it legal to turn left from a one way street unto another one way street?

2. Is it legal for a bum to push the walk signal even though nobody is going to use the crosswalk, for the sole purpose of extracting hard earned funds from suckers who now have to wait longer to turn left unto said one way street?

3. Is it legal for me to wish aforementioned bum meets an accelerated demise, errr, finds a new corner to harass other hard working commuters trying to get home in time to get a decent meal before picking out their shirt/tie combinations before rushing off to bed to get a good night's sleep so they can get back to the office and earn a good living by working hard who happen to not be me?

To clarify, this left hand turn in question has a criminally short green light after 7:30 when the pedestrian walk signal is pushed. It's not that I just hate bums, I really do hate missing a light so a bum can walk next to my really clean sled, probably getting it all dirty and such. Anyways, if some bum does this to you at a light, please think twice before giving him money. It will only encourage this abominable behavior.

Zet, not the "morning" sort

Zet thinks I'm a morning person. I'm really not. It's just that she is the polar opposite of a morning person, I appear to be a morning person in contrast. I'm really just like any one of you. I appreciate efficiency. I have an efficient morning routine. Wake up, try my best not to hit the snooze (hitting the snooze button is a sign of weakness), shower, shave, get dressed into a fantastic outfit carefully pre-selected from the night previous. On my way out the door, I usually try and wake my sleeping beauty. I am oftentimes met with expletives. Fortunately, I now understand how my baby rolls in the AM. Zet recently explained her morning routine:

Stage 1 – First alarm at 7:45. Acknowledge it is morning.

Stage 2 – Go back to sleep for 10 minutes.

Stage 3 – Awake and give self 5 minutes to 8am warning.

Stage 4 – Get dressed in hurry. Look awesome.

Stage 5 – Take Patttttt’s dry cleaning and laundry across the street because he is a big I-can’t-do-anything-for-myself-because-I-am-spoiled baby.

Stage 6 – Arrive at work a half hour after I’m supposed to (eat any bagels/donuts/chocolate within 50 yards).

Jo-Tel Responds

For responses to my Hoodie post, see here from Jo-Tel author Pete.

For responses to my Glass is Half Empty post, see here from Jo-Tel author Shark.

While both counter arguments are contrary to mine, and thus wrong, they do make for interesting reading, if you're into that sort of thing. And my guess is you're just that type of fellow.

;)

If you're a dude and you're going to drop internet smiley faces in an email to me, the answer is no, I will not kiss you.

Celtic Pride

I'm pretty geeked on Celtics basketball right now. Count me among those who are convinced a healthy Garnett, Pierce, and Allen are favorites in the East, if not favorites to win it all. The big question on everyone's mind is who fills out the rest of the starting roster?

Kevin Garnett plays center, Paul Pierced plays small forward, Ray Allen shooting guard and Rajon Rondo runs the point. Rondo should be much better in his sophomore year. But who plays power forward? I'll tell you who. Me.


Listen. I haven't played on a real basketball team since middle school. I didn't even start for that team, but I can assure you it's only because the coach screwed me. I should play power forward for the Celtics for several reasons, which I shall detail below:

1. I like the Celtics. I used to subscribe to their fan magazine as a kid. I'm really a big fan.

2. I look good in green.

3. Although a bit undersized for the NBA position of power forward (I will be giving up about one foot in height and probably 100 pounds), I have solid fundamentals and know how to box out. Getting rebounds isn't about height - it's about positioning yourself around the rim and generally wanting it more than the next guy. I want it more.

4. With three superstars already, the team can't afford another prima donna. I'll know my role on the team and will defer to my teammates. There will be plenty of opportunities for me to score by tipping in offensive rebounds. I don't need to take contested jump shots or try and drive the lane. I've got three perennial all stars on my team. I'll give them the rock and set killer screens.

5. I hit my free throws. I was pretty solid at this when I was younger, and with a little practice, I'll get back into form. I should be good for 80% from the stripe. Not bad for a power forward.

6. My position in the Celtics starting lineup will even the playing field in the East. We all know the Celtics would sleepwalk into the finals with a solid NBA power forward. This way, the games will be a bit closer, due to the slight mismatch the opposing team will have at my position. I emphasize this mismatch would be slight, because I play fundamental defense and hustle (see #3 above). This will help keep the Big Three sharp, especially as they ramp up for the finals. By the time the playoffs roll around, I would have no problem whatsoever relinquishing my starting spot and becoming the first or second guy off the bench.

Doc Rivers, let me know if you're interested. Just post your cell phone number in the comments section and I'll hit you up.

The Glass is Half Empty

Seriously. This isn't an esoteric argument. It's just common sense.

When you pour a liquid in a glass for consumption, you pour the liquid towards the top probably 90% of time. Sometimes you may pour just a little bit into a glass like if you have to pop some Advil or something, but that usually doesn't happen and even then, you fill less than half the glass. So we all now agree that the glass starts off full in the base case scenario. Now you start drinking aforementioed liquid. Are you "emptying" the glass, or are you "less filling" it? Once you empty half of the glass, you are left with a glass that is half empty.

For the record, the grass isn't really greener on the other side, although it does look that way. The dry patches and color inconsistencies are more pronounced when you are looking straight down at a magnified cross section of grass. Now look at the other side. You can't perceive any imperfections from afar and all you see is a beautiful blanket of greenosity. Now walk over to the other side. It's the same grass, stupid.