Re: Martinis

A few thoughts on martinis, as I enjoy a near perfect one.

1. If you are a stupid waitress, please don't ask me if I want my martini "up". This pisses me off to no end. You obviously are trying to drop martini-speak on me that you just picked up. It's utterly unimpressive and equally asinine. If I want my martini down, I'd axe for it on the rocks.

2. Don't ask me if I want it dirty, wet, or if I want it dry. Assume if I order a martini, I want it poured as martinis are meant to be poured. Again, if I have special requests re: my martini, I shall make them at the time of order.

3. That being said, you're lame if you order a martini dry, and even lamer if you order it extra dry. A martini was not meant to be pretentious. Don't be the jerk that makes it such. My guess is you can't tell the difference between wet or dry anyways. You just seem really gay. Plus, a little Vermouth is undeniably delicious and absolutely imperative to a good martini. I will accept the request for a wet martini, it should be noted. The proper proportion is 7/8 gin, 1/8 Vermouth, unless, of course, you prefer up to 1/5 Vermouth. But no more, you jerk.

4. I'll kill you if you ask me what kind of garnish I prefer in my martini.

5. You should never request a different garnish than an olive, under a few notable exceptions:

a. Hendrix gin, the best of all gins, is absolutely delicious with a cucumber garnish. As it has hints of both cucumber and rose petals, I would also accept the rose petal garnish, if such a garnish were known to be provided at such establishment. Ordering a rose petal garnish at a place not known to provide such garnish is not recommended for obvious reasons.

b. If the drink menu specifies a different garnish. I support special bar drink menus, even though they mostly suck.

c. Peperocini. When I open my bar, this will be one of my signature drinks. Please don't steal it.

d. Spree. Please see (c) above.

e. Bacon. See (c) above, and the Bacon Postulate.

6. For the love of all mankind, please do not specify the quantity of olives you want in your martini. Look, we all noticed you when you called your obscure, or worse, mid to lower shelf gin. Don't compound your status as largest toolshed in the bar by actually specifying the number of olives in your drink. This is probably the most egregious of martini ordering offenses. The moment you specify the number of olives is the moment I stop respecting you as a person.

7. Bartenders: Why in Christ's name would you stick a wood toothpick through your olive(s)? Don't you know the taste of wood permeates my gin? If I catch this fatal error soon enough, I might be able to dislodge the splinters from my drink, but never the taste of sawdust. I will accept a plastic toothpick, but prefer sans pick. Unless, of course, you have a plastic toothpick that looks like a pirate sword. Those are totally cool.

8. My martini better damn well be COLD. All you need to do is put plenty of ice in the shaker and shake until your hand is pained by said cold. Don't cut corners by putting too few, or not cold enough ice in your shaker or by not shaking it enough.

9. Shaken not stirred. James Bond is cool. He's allowed one mistake (even if he makes it every damn movie). You are not allowed one mistake. Don't let me hear this mistake uttered from your mouth.

10. Martinis are like boobs. One is too few, three is too many.

11. Don't give me a tiny feminine martini glass. A martini glass should be masculine, and should fit a proverbial grip of boozola. If you think you're saving money by cutting corners and giving me a half sized martini glass, I will at the very least hate you and boycott your stupid bar and/or place of residence.

12. Martinis were invented for gin. If you like Vodka, great. Drink your vodka on the rocks or as I prefer, possibly flavored with club soda. Never order a vodka martini. My bar won't serve them. Similarly, never order a "gin martini". Call your damn gin and say martini after that. This is how I roll: "Hendrix martini". No Hendrix? That's OK "Saphire martini".

I hope I've made myself perfectly clear on this issue. I take my martinis seriously and you should too. If you're not ready to venture into martini territory, that's good and well. There's plenty of other drinks out there for you. When you're ready, we'll talk.