When you're being tailgated, you have a few options.
1. You realize you deserve to be tailgated and immediately put your blinker on and move to the lane to your right.
2. You deserve to be tailgated but you're oblivious to it just like you're oblivious to one of the most common courtesies of driving - keep right unless to pass. Ultimately, if there are several lanes on the road, the right most lane is your best option because nobody thinks they drive slow enough for the right lane, so everyone shifts a lane or two further to the left than the lane in which they should be commuting. That way, I get to zip my sled past a solid amount of cars uninterrupted on the right lane. Every now and then there will be some crappy old truck going very slow that I will have to move around, but it works for me. But still, this is not the way it is supposed to be.
3. You realize you deserve to be tailgated and speed up a little bit, trying to salvage what little manhood may remain.
4. You don't deserve to be tailgated and feel confrontational, so you slow down and fix your stare into your rearview mirror, and try to burn fear into the center of your antagonist's eyes.
5. You blast your windshield wipers so that windshield wiper splooge gets all over the dbag's car behind you.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Bathroom Attendants
On the spectrum of that which is chill and unchill, bathroom attendants slot towards the end of the latter. This truly is a troubling trend.
1. I just feel really bad for the person who's "tending" the bathroom. It's a pretty depressing job.
2. It's a very unnecessary job. Who the hell walks out of a bathroom thinking "I really wish I didn't have to reach for that paper towel. If only there was someone there to hand it to me."
3. It encourages dudes to spray more crappy cologne on.
4. Maybe I'm cheap, but I hate the prospect of having to tip a dollar for someone to hand me a paper towel that I prefer to reach for myself. It's very awkward. Sometimes I avoid this exchange by not washing my hands (which isn't really that big a deal in the first place. I may blog about this later). Sometimes, I feel so awkward that I'll just try to hold it and avoid the bathroom altogether.
5. It's really creepy to have some guy sitting on a stool right behind you while you're taking care of business. Really creepy.
6. I think club owners think this classes up the joint, but it definitely has the opposite effect with me. I will always avoid clubs/bars/restaurants with bathroom attendants.
1. I just feel really bad for the person who's "tending" the bathroom. It's a pretty depressing job.
2. It's a very unnecessary job. Who the hell walks out of a bathroom thinking "I really wish I didn't have to reach for that paper towel. If only there was someone there to hand it to me."
3. It encourages dudes to spray more crappy cologne on.
4. Maybe I'm cheap, but I hate the prospect of having to tip a dollar for someone to hand me a paper towel that I prefer to reach for myself. It's very awkward. Sometimes I avoid this exchange by not washing my hands (which isn't really that big a deal in the first place. I may blog about this later). Sometimes, I feel so awkward that I'll just try to hold it and avoid the bathroom altogether.
5. It's really creepy to have some guy sitting on a stool right behind you while you're taking care of business. Really creepy.
6. I think club owners think this classes up the joint, but it definitely has the opposite effect with me. I will always avoid clubs/bars/restaurants with bathroom attendants.
Sonic
Sonic is hands down the greatest fast food restaurant in the world. Sadly, I have never been. Yet their commercials continue to taunt me on a regular basis.
Look at this ridiculous menu!
I literally want to eat about four of everything I see here. The closest Sonic to me is in Anaheim which is really far away. Maybe I'll make a trip down there for my birthday.
I guess it's good I don't live next to a Sonic. I'd probably be at least two and a half bills.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Windshield Wipers
I like to keep my sleds clean. I wash my primary car every Saturday. It's important to tie your tie correctly, it's important to shine your shoes regularly, it's important to roll around in a clean sled. When you have a clean sled, you only use your windshield wipers when it's raining. Most people however rely on their windshield wipers to clean their windshield. If you washed your car weekly, you wouldn't have this issue. Ostensibly, I'm OK with this lazy short cut, but only on the condition that the cleaning mechanism is instigated when the car is stationary. It really pisses me off when I'm driving behind a moving car that's cleaning it's windshield. That water and windshield wiper fluid gets all over my really clean sled. That stuff leaves water marks. Can't you lazy a-holes wait until you're at a stop light?
Beanies
It should be noted that the beanies fall into the same category as hoodies. I understand they are pretty necessary in the cold, but I believe people on the East Coast get around this by calling them winter caps. I think. I could be wrong on this. Man, it was really cold when I lived in Boston. So cold I had to wear man scarves.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Hoodies
Seriously. Hoodies? I'm only going to scratch the surface here. Let's not even get into how lame a sweatshirt is with a zipper and a hood when you are past the age of nine. How can you be comfortable calling yourself a man if you are comfortable saying the word "hoodie"? Hoodie. Say it aloud. Tough, isn't it? If you can't say it out loud, don't wear it. If you can, uhh, still don't wear it.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Thanks for showing up NL
So the American League hasn't lost to the National League in the All-Star game in 11 years. As an American League aficionado, that's pretty sweet. The AL is just a better brand of baseball. We have the best pitchers and the best hitters. What more do you want from me? The NL is great and all, if you like lots of pitching changes, lots of sacrifice bunts, lots of pitchers striking out on three pitches, and lots of not scoring. Oh yeah, and add lots of not having home field advantage of the World Series to that list.
I don't like it when people take offense to the All Star game deciding home field advantage. Sure, it's an exhibition game, but is the outcome of an exhibition game any worse a way to decide than an alternating year? Are there really people out there who go, "You know what is really important to be held constant in my life? The alternating league home field advantage rule that MLB used to employ."
I don't like it when people take offense to the All Star game deciding home field advantage. Sure, it's an exhibition game, but is the outcome of an exhibition game any worse a way to decide than an alternating year? Are there really people out there who go, "You know what is really important to be held constant in my life? The alternating league home field advantage rule that MLB used to employ."
Re: Martinis
A few thoughts on martinis, as I enjoy a near perfect one.
1. If you are a stupid waitress, please don't ask me if I want my martini "up". This pisses me off to no end. You obviously are trying to drop martini-speak on me that you just picked up. It's utterly unimpressive and equally asinine. If I want my martini down, I'd axe for it on the rocks.
2. Don't ask me if I want it dirty, wet, or if I want it dry. Assume if I order a martini, I want it poured as martinis are meant to be poured. Again, if I have special requests re: my martini, I shall make them at the time of order.
3. That being said, you're lame if you order a martini dry, and even lamer if you order it extra dry. A martini was not meant to be pretentious. Don't be the jerk that makes it such. My guess is you can't tell the difference between wet or dry anyways. You just seem really gay. Plus, a little Vermouth is undeniably delicious and absolutely imperative to a good martini. I will accept the request for a wet martini, it should be noted. The proper proportion is 7/8 gin, 1/8 Vermouth, unless, of course, you prefer up to 1/5 Vermouth. But no more, you jerk.
4. I'll kill you if you ask me what kind of garnish I prefer in my martini.
5. You should never request a different garnish than an olive, under a few notable exceptions:
a. Hendrix gin, the best of all gins, is absolutely delicious with a cucumber garnish. As it has hints of both cucumber and rose petals, I would also accept the rose petal garnish, if such a garnish were known to be provided at such establishment. Ordering a rose petal garnish at a place not known to provide such garnish is not recommended for obvious reasons.
b. If the drink menu specifies a different garnish. I support special bar drink menus, even though they mostly suck.
c. Peperocini. When I open my bar, this will be one of my signature drinks. Please don't steal it.
d. Spree. Please see (c) above.
e. Bacon. See (c) above, and the Bacon Postulate.
6. For the love of all mankind, please do not specify the quantity of olives you want in your martini. Look, we all noticed you when you called your obscure, or worse, mid to lower shelf gin. Don't compound your status as largest toolshed in the bar by actually specifying the number of olives in your drink. This is probably the most egregious of martini ordering offenses. The moment you specify the number of olives is the moment I stop respecting you as a person.
7. Bartenders: Why in Christ's name would you stick a wood toothpick through your olive(s)? Don't you know the taste of wood permeates my gin? If I catch this fatal error soon enough, I might be able to dislodge the splinters from my drink, but never the taste of sawdust. I will accept a plastic toothpick, but prefer sans pick. Unless, of course, you have a plastic toothpick that looks like a pirate sword. Those are totally cool.
8. My martini better damn well be COLD. All you need to do is put plenty of ice in the shaker and shake until your hand is pained by said cold. Don't cut corners by putting too few, or not cold enough ice in your shaker or by not shaking it enough.
9. Shaken not stirred. James Bond is cool. He's allowed one mistake (even if he makes it every damn movie). You are not allowed one mistake. Don't let me hear this mistake uttered from your mouth.
10. Martinis are like boobs. One is too few, three is too many.
11. Don't give me a tiny feminine martini glass. A martini glass should be masculine, and should fit a proverbial grip of boozola. If you think you're saving money by cutting corners and giving me a half sized martini glass, I will at the very least hate you and boycott your stupid bar and/or place of residence.
12. Martinis were invented for gin. If you like Vodka, great. Drink your vodka on the rocks or as I prefer, possibly flavored with club soda. Never order a vodka martini. My bar won't serve them. Similarly, never order a "gin martini". Call your damn gin and say martini after that. This is how I roll: "Hendrix martini". No Hendrix? That's OK "Saphire martini".
I hope I've made myself perfectly clear on this issue. I take my martinis seriously and you should too. If you're not ready to venture into martini territory, that's good and well. There's plenty of other drinks out there for you. When you're ready, we'll talk.
1. If you are a stupid waitress, please don't ask me if I want my martini "up". This pisses me off to no end. You obviously are trying to drop martini-speak on me that you just picked up. It's utterly unimpressive and equally asinine. If I want my martini down, I'd axe for it on the rocks.
2. Don't ask me if I want it dirty, wet, or if I want it dry. Assume if I order a martini, I want it poured as martinis are meant to be poured. Again, if I have special requests re: my martini, I shall make them at the time of order.
3. That being said, you're lame if you order a martini dry, and even lamer if you order it extra dry. A martini was not meant to be pretentious. Don't be the jerk that makes it such. My guess is you can't tell the difference between wet or dry anyways. You just seem really gay. Plus, a little Vermouth is undeniably delicious and absolutely imperative to a good martini. I will accept the request for a wet martini, it should be noted. The proper proportion is 7/8 gin, 1/8 Vermouth, unless, of course, you prefer up to 1/5 Vermouth. But no more, you jerk.
4. I'll kill you if you ask me what kind of garnish I prefer in my martini.
5. You should never request a different garnish than an olive, under a few notable exceptions:
a. Hendrix gin, the best of all gins, is absolutely delicious with a cucumber garnish. As it has hints of both cucumber and rose petals, I would also accept the rose petal garnish, if such a garnish were known to be provided at such establishment. Ordering a rose petal garnish at a place not known to provide such garnish is not recommended for obvious reasons.
b. If the drink menu specifies a different garnish. I support special bar drink menus, even though they mostly suck.
c. Peperocini. When I open my bar, this will be one of my signature drinks. Please don't steal it.
d. Spree. Please see (c) above.
e. Bacon. See (c) above, and the Bacon Postulate.
6. For the love of all mankind, please do not specify the quantity of olives you want in your martini. Look, we all noticed you when you called your obscure, or worse, mid to lower shelf gin. Don't compound your status as largest toolshed in the bar by actually specifying the number of olives in your drink. This is probably the most egregious of martini ordering offenses. The moment you specify the number of olives is the moment I stop respecting you as a person.
7. Bartenders: Why in Christ's name would you stick a wood toothpick through your olive(s)? Don't you know the taste of wood permeates my gin? If I catch this fatal error soon enough, I might be able to dislodge the splinters from my drink, but never the taste of sawdust. I will accept a plastic toothpick, but prefer sans pick. Unless, of course, you have a plastic toothpick that looks like a pirate sword. Those are totally cool.
8. My martini better damn well be COLD. All you need to do is put plenty of ice in the shaker and shake until your hand is pained by said cold. Don't cut corners by putting too few, or not cold enough ice in your shaker or by not shaking it enough.
9. Shaken not stirred. James Bond is cool. He's allowed one mistake (even if he makes it every damn movie). You are not allowed one mistake. Don't let me hear this mistake uttered from your mouth.
10. Martinis are like boobs. One is too few, three is too many.
11. Don't give me a tiny feminine martini glass. A martini glass should be masculine, and should fit a proverbial grip of boozola. If you think you're saving money by cutting corners and giving me a half sized martini glass, I will at the very least hate you and boycott your stupid bar and/or place of residence.
12. Martinis were invented for gin. If you like Vodka, great. Drink your vodka on the rocks or as I prefer, possibly flavored with club soda. Never order a vodka martini. My bar won't serve them. Similarly, never order a "gin martini". Call your damn gin and say martini after that. This is how I roll: "Hendrix martini". No Hendrix? That's OK "Saphire martini".
I hope I've made myself perfectly clear on this issue. I take my martinis seriously and you should too. If you're not ready to venture into martini territory, that's good and well. There's plenty of other drinks out there for you. When you're ready, we'll talk.
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