Slang

I love slang words for marijuana. For some reason, every single one of them is hilarious.

That being said, the hierarchy of hilarious slang words is as follows:

1. Hippie Lettuce
2. Doobie(s)

and a distant third:

3. Grass



Just an observation. That's all.

Addiction

So I pitched one inning last Sunday. I hit one guy on accident on a 1-2 curveball (he leaned in), and then I hit another guy in the ankle on purpose just because he crowded the plate a little too much. It really wasn't nearly as good a reason for the pegged batters last week. I think I'm becoming addicted to dotting batters.

Oh well.

Ibuprofen = Hoax

How is it you can take ibuprofen for anything that ails you? Is this for real? Say I have a headache. I'm supposed to take ibuprofen. Say my arm is sore from dominating on the pitcher's mound. Again, take ibuprofen. Say I want to prevent heart disease. Ibuprofen? I don't get it. How does this drug know whether I need it to go to my dome, my arm, or my ankle? Ibuprofen is fool's gold. You suckers keep popping your Advils, Tylenols, and Bayers. I know it's a placebo. Joke's on you.

Class Action

Can one of you lawyers pick my "double dipping" text message class action lawsuit up and run with it? How much money should I expect to make off this? Can I quit my job now, or should I just chill for a little bit?

Texting Hot Babes

Have you ever seen that commercial where there's three skanks at the pool all pushing their boobs and their cell phones together laughing over the awesome text they just got from some random dude? Then the same skanks are lounging around a bedroom in their lingerie punching really sultry messages into their cell phones to fire right back to random dudes? So seriously. What? Come on. Who's doing this? Look, I'll buy that some dudes are pathetic enough to pay several bucks a minute to talk to some girl with a sultry voice on the phone. I mean, that's fairly interactive. But texting hot babes????? Please tell me there aren't dudes that pay for this service? Is it not bad enough that cell phone companies have duped us all into paying 10 cents for every stupid, misspelled three word sentence that doesn't say anything in the first place? Am I getting off topic if I rant at how ridiculous it is that I get billed 10 cents every time someone sends me some stupid text message? Is there some way to abstain from the atrocity that is this racket? Damnit I'm angry right now. How is it OK to charge for this? OK, charge the jerk that sends the stupid text message that doesn't say anything because dude is too lazy to dial a phone number and have human interaction. Penalize him. Don't double dip and charge innocent me for just receiving the stupid text message. I didn't agree to this. Why should I pay for something I never asked for, and don't want in the first place? Crap, this must be illegal. Is Elliot Spritzer, or whatever his name on this? This is absolute crap. Is this not the greatest class action lawsuit to ever occur in the history of mankind?

I guess if you're dumb enough to "text hot babes", you deserve the charges inherent. Just don't text me.

Neb, you owe me several dollars for text messages I never wanted in the first place. Same with you HLYWD DK. Damnit I'm angry. Stupid text messages.

Come On.

Why is it that every carpet/rug store I've ever driven by in my life has a big sign in the window saying "Going Out of Business Sale!" Doesn't this schtick get old when people realize the same sign sits in the same store for several years running? Along similar lines, has anyone ever bought a mattress that hasn't been on sale?

T-Rex Kicked Inordinant Amounts of Dinosaur Ass

Listen. T-Rex was without a doubt the coolest thing that has ever been on this planet. This is not my opinion and this is not for debate. It is a truth both pure and absolute. There is no denying this there is no contemplating its righteousness. The T-Rex was as tall as a six story building, weighed as much as 50 large boulders, and was known to eat several triceratops or stegosauruses in one sitting. The T-Rex kicked inordiinant amounts of dinosaur ass. Have you ever seen a T-Rex skeleton? Have you ever seen Jurassic Park? There was no dinosaur half as cool and there probably never will be.

So here's the rub. There are "scientists" out there with nothing better to do than to throw some asinine lie on the table and write a sensational article that gets posted somewhere because some people think it's cool to be contrary. Some jackasses actually would have you believe that the T-Rex didn't run upwards of 85 mph and instead took casual strolls in search of a scavenger meal. Look, I understand their angle. It's so profound! I have to confess I used this stupid trick in English class in college by coming up with some ridiculous claim and working backwards to defend it. I wrote a paper defending Dracula as the only truly "good and benevolent" character in the book. At least my dribble wasn't published. I wonder what credentials these jerks have. Maybe I can publish an article about how Pterodon couldn't really fly and Brachiosauruses loved swimming.

I feel bad for the impressionable children out there who might begin idolizing a different dinosaur. That's just messed up. I guess I feel worse for people like crazy Carl Everett who don't even believe in dinosaurs.

Baseball Scrum

I think I recently experienced what can only be described as one of the most satisfying feelings in the world: pegging a batter on purpose with a baseball. It is truly exhilerating.

I tend to have really good control, as evidenced by my 4 to 1 strikeout to walk ratio. On the rare occasion that I do hit a batter with a pitch, it's usually when I'm ahead in the count and a curveball slips out of my hand. That just sucks for a plethora of reasons, most important of which are that you let the batter reach first base where he didn't deserve such reward and the fact that if you're going to hit someone, it should be with a fastball and should at the very least leave a bruise. Every now and then, however, I get the rare opportunity to intentionally throw at someone. A lot of the time I get so excited at this prospect that I end up throwing nowhere near the batter, and tend to throw it right over the plate. Yesterday, however, my control to the batter's rib cage was under much better control. I pegged four batters yesterday - two unintentionally and two intentionally. One on a curveball that the batter leaned into, one that grazed a batter's shirt, one with a fastball to hip flexor after a runner stole third up by nine runs, and one with a fastball to the lower ribs to a player who deserved it so bad he might as well have begged to be thrown at. This last batter was the most exciting, as the pitch before he got plunked went behind his head, so there was little doubt what my intent was.

Anyways, the game got cancelled after a few members of the opposing team, including some people in the stand began threatening me a little too intently. I guess that's just how I roll.

Chez

Please don't ever ask a man if he wants cheese on whatever it is you're cooking up. Whatever "it" is, the answer is yes.

I'm no sell out

I saw this option on blogger where you can have ads posted on your blog and you'd get paid based on how many web hits came from your blog. I just want everyone to really appreciate that I'm leaving tons of money on the table to bring this blog to your computer screen ad-free. I'm not for sale.

Dorkblog

My favorite thing about this blog is being able to talk about it. I really like telling people that I have a blog. It also provides good running commentary so that whenever somebody says something interesting, I can say "yeah, I'll probably blog about that." That sentence alone provides a great transition from ending the previous thought and starting a whole new conversation just about my blog. Talking about my blog is also a great conversation starter. It's also a good conversation filler.

Woof = Anonymous

I can now sleep at night after identifying Anonymous.

Magazine inserts. Not nearly as awesome as you would think.

I'm probably the first person ever to blog about this, so I'm pretty stoked about this take.

What's up with magazine subscription inserts? I mean, they suck, right?

I subscribed to Details magazine, which Zet says is for men who are not of straight orientation to which I staunchly disagree despite the colorful spread discussing this season's must-have tote bags. I shook the magazine and found 8 subscription inserts that fell out. Uhh, overkill perhaps?

For the record, I have no problem with the wasted paper. I'm OK with cutting down the rain forest if it results in a slightly softer tissue paper. I just don't like having to walk across the room and double back to pick up the crap that falls out of a magazine. That's why I usually don't.

Jordache Basics

Jordache doesn't email too often, but when he does, he comes strong.

I told Jordan he could take over my blog when I finally quit, and this was his response:

"I was thinking about starting a blog, but I'm afraid if it becomes more
popular than Patttttt's, it would affect our friendship. I mean, who
wants
to read the blog of a married man.......
Woke up today at 6am. Betsy woke me up 4 times in the middle of the
night
because I was sleeping in the wrong position and we had to switch
spots. Had
egg beaters, the equivalent of eggs for you non-married folks, as well
as a
glass of grapefruit juice. Read the NY Times because the LA Times is
much
less internationally acclaimed. Hopped in my new "sled" and drove to
work
listening to NPR. Pulled up and told Juan to change my oil today and
detail
my new "sled." I'm pretty sure he didn't understand my idiosyncratic
speech
pattern because when I picked my "sled" up at 5pm it wreaked of buche.
Did
some comercial real estate business. Met up with Jason for our 4 drink
minimum happy hour before heading to Trader Joes for some fair trade,
low
carb brown rice and skinless chicken breast. Snuck in a couple bottles
of
wine and some tequila with ginger ale (shhhhhhh, don't tell the Zet),
since
Jordan puked my remaining booze up in our garbage disposal. Was
harassed and
harangued by Hollywood DK for no less than 2 hours on no more than 2
subjects. Came home and watched Golden Girls and went to bed.

I mean really, who wants to read that bullshit in a blog."

As much as I want to turn this right around in Basics' face, I can only concede defeat.

The worst part of going to the dentist

You think it's the drilling, right? No. It's while the drilling is going on, and your mouth is numb and has been propped open for a half hour and drool starts trickling down your chin. You can't really wipe it up, trying to salvage any dignity because the drill and two sets of hands are blocking your path. Yep, drooling uncontrollably like a tard is the worst part of going to the dentist.

No offense to tards.